Life On The B Side

Taking all that life throws at us one moment at a time

He Cries … October 13, 2011

Filed under: Life on the Jay train — The B Side @ 12:02 pm
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… and it kills me.

I don’t know why.

CC doesn’t know why.

Ace doesn’t know why.


We ask him “what do you want?”

It’s a question he understands and can respond to.  Whether it’s by pulling or pointing or picking something up or simply climbing onto me and cuddling.


That question that we’ve asked him and that has worked to calm him down a thousand times is not working now.


I kept waiting for it to pass.  At 1st I thought he was just having a bad day.  I blamed it on the rain.  (Cause I had nothing else).


Then the sun came out and he still cried. 


Then the 3rd, 4th, 5th day came and he’s still crying.  Not all day everyday, but he just can’t seem to find peace.  That means I can’t find peace.  How can I?  My peace comes from knowing my boys are happy.


I can make it go away for short periods of time by tickling him or giving him a snack but it is never far away.  It (whatever it is) keeps coming back.  Ace can make it go away for short periods of time by playing tag.  It comes back as soon as the game is over.  Jay will find a way to amuse himself (usually doing something he’s not supposed to do like jumping on my newly folded laundry) but we let him get away with it for a while.  I need to hear his laughter.  I need to see his smile.  He will jump off furniture and attack play with the cat.  He’s happy.  He will play with his Wonder Pets fly boat and sing the song “wobba bush wobba bush, we’re on our way“.  He’s happy.  I’m happy. 


Then … he cries. 


Ace holds his hand out and asks “What. Do. You. Want?”  Very clearly, he articulates each word so there’s no missing his meaning.  Jay turns away from him and yells in anger.  Ace offers him toys and  books that he thinks he will like.  Jay screams. 


It kills me. 


I know Ace is doing the only thing he knows how to do.  He wants to help but it’s not working.  I say to Ace, “It’s ok baby, leave him alone.  He doesn’t want that”  I hope that he doesn’t think I’m rejecting his offer of help.  I’m so proud of him and how he tries to make life easier for his brother and for us. 


Ace wants me to read him a story and he wants to read to me.  I pull him next to me on the couch but we can’t read because Jay is crying and pulling at me.  I ask Ace to give me a minute.  Each and every time I think if I just get up 1 more time Jay will somehow show me what’s wrong and I’ll be able to fix it. 


He takes me to his room and we both stand there.  He’s not showing me anything and I’m afraid to move because he will cry again.  Eventually, I slowly walk away, wanting to fulfil my promise to Ace. 


Somehow Ace and I manage to read 1 story but I’m distracted.  I’m not fully there for him.  That kills me.  I give him an extra hug and make a mental note to read more than 1 story the next day.  (It probably won’t happen).


I think and CC verbalizes … “Isn’t he tired from all that crying?” 


It’s bed time.  We go through the routine.  At least what used to be the routine.  Warm strawberry milk for both boys.  Teeth brushed and they get into their beds. 


Now Jay gets in bed and cries.  I lay down next to him and he is silent.  He holds my arm tight around his body and curls into me.  He’s so small now but he’s getting bigger everyday.  I start to worry about his future but I push those thoughts away and enjoy how he feels now.  I enjoy the dark and the quiet.  I worry that Ace will think it’s not fair that I don’t cuddle with him in bed too.  I push those thoughts away.  I can’t go there.  Jay looks into my face that is only inches from his.  He turns away, closes his eyes and goes to sleep.  I quietly leave his room and hope tomorrow will be different. 


I want to quiet the demons that are causing him discomfort. 


I don’t know how.


4 Responses to “He Cries …”

  1. Michelle Says:

    Oh Deenie, all I can do is send you some big hugs. I really feel for you, I hate the worry and tears that come with being a mum.
    I really hope you figure out why Jay is crying.

  2. Luna Says:

    I’ve been there, sweetie. I wish I knew how to help you. Those pre-verbal days, some of them I’m not sure how I survived. Just take care to watch yourself too. If you let the anxiety get to you, it leaves scars. I’m sorry for your struggle and for his. You’re a kind and giving and funny soul and my heart is broken for you. You’re an AWESOME mom. Just keep at it. I promise it won’t last forever. 😦

  3. rhemashope Says:

    i know that feeling of helplessness and frustration so well. we still have those days every now and again. but i can tell you it is a phase, and it will get better so just hold on. you (and Ace, that dear boy!) are doing the best you can- letting him know you’re there for him, that he is safe and so very loved.
    hugs, mama.

  4. […] October I wrote THIS.  It passed.  Just as easily as it […]

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