I spent the weekend watching my boys. Taking in every interaction. Every time Jay said or did something appropriate. Every time Ace helped his brother. I had my mind open. I kept looking for something that would make a coherent post here. I don’t ever force my writing. I sure as heck don’t ever make things up but I felt the urge to write. It makes me feel better. Even with hair cuts and meal time battles and a mini Super Bowl party, I came up with (pretty much) nothing.
There was something vague swimming around in my head. Something with a title along the lines of “It’s Happening“. It was fueled by Jay choosing to use his words and sign language more frequently lately instead of his usual, pulling and screaming. It was gonna be hopeful and happy. It was gonna tell you that each difficult thing we’ve been through doesn’t matter when I hear my son say “I want chips” and I actually understand it. Or when he says “Please help me” and our neighbour (who doesn’t speak Jay-ease) understands it.
But today, I just can’t do it. The truth is, I’m having a hard time holding it together today. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe there’s more to it than that. Who knows?
I’m feeling totally overwhelmed.
At my job, the requests for me to get things done (by today) are coming in way faster than I can get them out.
CC gave the kids haircuts and a bath yesterday and even though he did eat 2 Jamaican beef patties and some cereal this weekend, I could see Jay’s ribs and it scares me. He used to be my chubby one. The one with the body type like my side of the family.
I don’t understand why seemingly simple concepts are so hard for Ace to understand. Social cues that other people instinctly pick up on, have to be pain stakingly taught to him. And then he needs to be reminded over and over and over and over and over …………….
We have upstairs neighbours who are noisy at night. I don’t have to tell you how irritating that is.
I feel guilty that I haven’t called to check on my Aunt who I know was sick but I just didn’t get to it and I really need to because I love her to the moon and back again and I hope I have shown her that but I still need to call and see how she’s feeling now.
Under normal circumstances, I worry from paycheck to paycheck, so you can imagine the party that’s going on in my head now that our car is in the shop AGAIN. Wait, did I tell you our car is in the shop AGAIN due to another accident? Yup, so we have to come up with $500 deductible and pay a part of the daily rental fee. The rental fee is going higher and higher because the car shop can’t find the matching rim for the other 3 we have. I called them today to say we will take the car “as-is” and put another (not matching) rim on it and they say they have to wait to hear back from the insurance adjuster so who knows how much longer we’ll have to wait.
I got to work this morning and CC calls to say that he’s trying to get Jay ready for school but we are all out of diapers. (That’s not the end of the world, but it’s just 1 more thing today)
I know this blog usually surrounds the kids lives, but today, I just can’t find it in me to tell you how amazing it is to hear Jay ask for things.
My fuse is just very short so do yourself a favour … If you see a 5′ 3″, hundred and something pound woman with a pony tail in khaki pants and a blue shirt and she looks like she’s not having a great day … Don’t ask what’s wrong or even say hi. Just keep walking and try again another day. She’ll appreciate it.