I wrote this last night and knew that I needed to let it stew before I hit publish. I needed time to figure out IF I would hit publish. I woke up this morning sure that I would not. I always go back and forth about whether or not to publish posts like this. Ultimately I feel like everybody has crap to deal with and most people don’t like to feel alone in their crap. I want people to know they are not alone with whatever thoughts are going through their head. I will not be the one to tell you things like “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” or “There’s a reason for everything”. I actually hate those 2 sayings. Some times things suck. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can still find a bright spot.
The question was right there in front of me and I sat looking at the cursor trying to figure out how to tell Facebook what was on my mind. I came up with “Looking fwd to the weekend.” True, but so lame.
I took a shower and stood under the water thinking … What really is on my mind? Right this moment?
I am stressed out a lot of the time but I’m really good at masking it.
I constantly worry about how our family is going to manage. But somehow we always do.
I have by no means lived a charmed life. I have had a lot of tough breaks and I’ve had my fair share of issues. Some of them I undoubtedly brought on myself and some of them were out of my control.
I have had to figure out a lot of things on my own. I have not been happy about that but I have done it and I feel strong.
Right now, my Grandad is not well and I’m sad about that. Really sad.
I have a shitty father and a mother who is not really like a mother. She’s more like a friend – but not a best friend.
I’m worried about some awkward moments that are definitely in my future. I don’t like that I’m thinking about them at all.
In my lifetime, I have been so very fortunate.
In my 35 years, I have not had to deal with much death or sickness. In fact, only one person that I have loved deeply has passed away. I have never been physically abused or sexually violated. I haven’t had any personal encounters with addiction or eating disorders. I am pro-choice but I have never had to make that choice. I have good friends who have been there for me since I was 5 years old. I needed them then and I lean on them now. Since I turned 16, I have always had a job. I have somewhere warm to sleep and my children are not hungry.
Even on our worst days with ADHD and Autism – I have had a husband to help me. A husband that I know loves me.
I always know that once the day is over (no matter how tough the day was) my children will go to sleep and they will stay asleep all night; so I will get a chance to re-charge.
Our worst days are someone elses everyday.
So yeah Facebook … that’s what’s on my mind.
And I’m looking forward to the weekend.