life on the "j" train

Taking a "busy working mom with 2 special needs kids" life one moment at a time

What I Didn’t Say on FB November 9, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — the jay train @ 9:00 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

I wrote this last night and knew that I needed to let it stew before I hit publish.  I needed time to figure out IF I would hit publish.  I woke up this morning sure that I would not.  I always go back and forth about whether or not to publish posts like this.  Ultimately I feel like everybody has crap to deal with and most people don’t like to feel alone in their crap.  I want people to know they are not alone with whatever thoughts are going through their head.  I will not be the one to tell you things like “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” or “There’s a reason for everything”.  I actually hate those 2 sayings.  Some times things suck.  But sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can still find a bright spot. 

 

The question was right there in front of me and I sat looking at the cursor trying to figure out how to tell Facebook what was on my mind.  I came up with “Looking fwd to the weekend.”  True, but so lame.

I took a shower and stood under the water thinking … What really is on my mind?  Right this moment?

 

I am stressed out a lot of the time but I’m really good at masking it.

I constantly worry about how our family is going to manage.  But somehow we always do.

I have by no means lived a charmed life.  I have had a lot of tough breaks and I’ve had my fair share of issues.  Some of them I undoubtedly brought on myself and some of them were out of my control.

I have had to figure out a lot of things on my own.  I have not been happy about that but I have done it and I feel strong.

Right now, my Grandad is not well and I’m sad about that.  Really sad.

I have a shitty father and a mother who is not really like a mother.  She’s more like a friend – but not a best friend.

I’m worried about some awkward moments that are definitely in my future.  I don’t like that I’m thinking about them at all.

 

In my lifetime, I have been so very fortunate.

In my 35 years, I have not had to deal with much death or sickness.  In fact, only one person that I have loved deeply has passed away.  I have never been physically abused or sexually violated.  I haven’t had any personal encounters with addiction or eating disorders.  I am pro-choice but I have never had to make that choice.  I have good friends who have been there for me since I was 5 years old.  I needed them then and I lean on them now.  Since I turned 16, I have always had a job.  I have somewhere warm to sleep and my children are not hungry.

Even on our worst days with ADHD and Autism – I have had a husband to help me.  A husband that I know loves me.

I always know that once the day is over (no matter how tough the day was) my children will go to sleep and they will stay asleep all  night; so I will get a chance to re-charge.

Our worst days are someone elses everyday.

 

So yeah Facebook … that’s what’s on my mind.

And I’m looking forward to the weekend.

 

 

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5 Responses to “What I Didn’t Say on FB”

  1. Neil N Says:

    Hang in there. We’re all allowed to have crappy days. We’re all allowed to say, you know what, this DOES suck. We all have PHDs in “perspective,” and yet it’s OK to feel that way. You have a wonderful attitude.

    PS – I hate those two phrases too.

  2. Michelle Says:

    I too am having a very shit day and cannot think of the words to put on facebook so I think silence is sometimes better on there! I’d love us to be able to hug each other properly xxx

  3. solodialogue Says:

    Hope your weekend brings you much joy, my friend. All I can say is I know what you mean.

  4. OneLoCoMommy Says:

    I have been going through a challenging period as well, so I feel your struggle. I hope the weekend serves us both good!

  5. Cyn Says:

    I feel like I am split in two…one moment happy…then another moment worrying…..gah! Hang in there and just want to say what a great “from the heart” post. BTW I hate those sayings too.


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