It had been a long day. Jay woke up grumpy and pretty much stayed that way all day. He cried a lot. Everything upset him. He was completely dysregulated. We haven’t had a day like this in a while and it sucked to have it when CC wasn’t here. The only saving grace was that for most of the day, Ace had a field trip with his Boys & Girls club so he was out having a great time.
Maybe it was the bad weather we were having. Maybe it’s because Jay had stayed up a little later than usual the night before. Maybe it was because CC was gone and the universe was trying to see just how much I could handle on my own. Eff you universe.
At 9:41pm on Mothers Day eve, I was sitting in bed, watching Legends of the Fall, holding my Grandmas thimble chain, thinking about all that it means to be a mother and I was crying.
I wanted to send a text message to someone saying “Today was hard. Jay cried a lot.”
I wanted to send it to someone who wouldn’t need me to say anything other than that and who would understand how I felt. I had no-one.
I thought about sending a facebook message to Cyn from That Cynking Feeling. I don’t know her personally, but she’s the only person who knows my real info who also has a son on the spectrum. I didn’t send the message.
Instead, I began thinking about all of the special needs parents (all mothers except one) whose stories I read and whose children I cry for and cheer for as if they were my own. Our children are different ages and genders and have different needs but none of that matters. In my heart we are all family. Oh how you have helped me get through the dark days. I could hear the words you would say to me had I sent you a message. They were simple and warm and beautiful. “I get it.” “Me too.” “Hang in there.” I could feel some of you lacing your fingers through mine and I could feel the hugs from those of you who are the huggy types.
My tears dried and I no longer felt alone. Just knowing you are out there and just knowing that you have had days like this helped me to be strong.
I propped my heart up on lyrics from the song Somewhere Out There by Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram.
And even though I know how very far apart we are It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
I got a funny message from a good friend of mine and the next thing I knew it was 10:26 and I was feeling much better. Instead of cuddling up to finish watching the movie, I took out my laptop and began typing. I really wanted to capture this moment and this feeling.
Thank you all so much for opening up your lives and recording your stories for me to read. Finding you has absolutely been one of the best things that’s happened since Jay’s diagnosis. I want you all to know how much you mean to me.
Happy Mothers Day you amazing creatures you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!