I have a tendency towards being depressed.
I am mostly optimistic and “glass half full” and cheery.
I am not and have never been suicidal – But I understand people who are.
I know that’s a dark thing to say. I’m just keeping it all the way real.
When I am in my down mood, I recognize it for what it is. It’s not me reacting to something bad that happened. It comes out of nowhere and there’s no explanation for it. I don’t really worry though. I know the things I am feeling are not real and that they will pass. I am patient with myself.
But it doesn’t make it any less real in the moment.
Lately, I’ve been in one of my down moods. There’s no legitimate reason for it. I know that. I feel blah and tired and I wonder what the point of all this is.
I can still have fun in the midst of these feelings. Partly, it’s me forcing myself to do what’s necessary or expected, as in, work related things or family functions. I have mastered that. Partly, it’s that I’m genuinely having fun, as in, driving in a convertible with my love or laughing with friends or talking on the phone with my boys and hearing about all the pizza they’re getting to eat.
I don’t mind feeling sad. That’s a weird thing to say. But it’s true. I like the quiet and solitude of it. I like being in my own sensitive feelings – by myself. I like the tightness in my chest. It’s like I can feel every heart beat. That makes me feel extra alive.
I like listening to sad songs and driving in the heat without the AC and falling into bed before 8pm. It all feels soul healing. Rejuvenating.
I know — It’s all a contradiction.
I’m looking forward to this weekend. I’m ready for some quiet time at home. I’m ready to put things back where they belong; (we’ve been traveling for the past 2 weeks or so). I’m ready to spend some quality wife time with Shaunee. We can go to the movies (which I like) and we can go out to eat (which I like) and we will go rock climbing (which I like). It will be good.
I don’t need help. I know what I need to do.
I just need to go through it. I just need to wait … and feel.
The other side always, always, awaits in a couple (or a few) days.
Today is a good day. The tide has turned.
I am happy.